why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
