just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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