Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
