He asked to "fluff my boner.."
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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