I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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