I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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