you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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