he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
