This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
