you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Everclear isn't food dammit
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
