Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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