I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
