You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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