Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Mom said you looked used
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Randomize