I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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