Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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