ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
