Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your cock deserves a montage
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize