I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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