The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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