toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize