***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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