my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
