How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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