Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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