they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
