I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
