capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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