at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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