HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
