what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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