She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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