I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
