Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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