normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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