i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
