I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize