I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How's work?
Spinning.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
