why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
