i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
