im drinking this country out of the recession.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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