Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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