did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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