Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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