Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
