I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
