I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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