He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
