I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
