she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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