fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize