You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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