haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
