She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
