god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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