Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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